How to nail an interview...
Today I'm going to share with you guys some "how to" tips on how to nail your interview, 1 through 5.
Getting ready for a job interview can be really scary. There's a lot that goes into the process from the moment you apply to the moment you set up the meet and greet with your potential employer. Anything can happen from the horrifying awkward moment of sillence to over sharing some ridiculously shameful stories. To help you nail that interview and make it a little (okay, a lot) easier on you, I've put together some helpful tips and tricks on getting you ready for the BIG SCARY AWKWARD LIFE OR DEATH MEET. Feel better?
Let's get started!
1. Wear black.
Always wear black. You never know how much of a pussy you are until your sweat glands betray you and start flushing out Niagara Falls on you. For example, I never knew that I was even claustrophic until I got stuck in a freight elevator for 15 minutes. No one could hear me or knew I was there. I started wondering how long I'd be stuck there and then I freaked out like a little bitch. Nothing to do with wearing black. But everything to do with life or death situations. let's face it, getting this job could mean life or death for your wallet. Unless you're a puker and you know it then black attire might not be good. Take a spare shirt. Invest in a stain remover.
2. Be On Time.
This should NEVER be a problem. Unless you've being stampede by a family of Safari animals on the 405 freeway, one should never be late. As much as Siri can be a fucking cunt, she never fails to wake you on time when the human remembers to actually switch the alarm to the "On" position. If you have successfully set up your alarm but still have that "I forgot to do something right" feeling, phone a friend that you know will be up early anyway and have them call you obsessivlely the next day until you wake up or break your phone. I don't know. It's your life.
3. Work on your resume.
Do it! Just Do it! Forget about stupid details like how many words you can type per minute. Nobody cares. Unless you plan to apply for a Court Typist positon, in which case you are NOT cool.
Do include special titles or recognitions such as "Beer Pong Champion 2015" or "most likely to show up drunk to work". This shows your employer that you're fun but you're also a responsible adult by showing up at all. Sure you might be sleeping off the alcohol in the office until you're sent home but let's not get sidetracked here, You made it to work.
4. Organize. Reserch.
Be prepared. Organize yourself. GOOGLE is your BEST FRIEND! Do some research about your potential boss and the company. He or She may be impressed when you casually mention how much you loved that video He or She shared three weeks ago called "StarWars babes from Space", on their timeline.
Always be prepared to answer questions about the job and it's products. For instance; if you are applying in retail, say....shoes department. Your answer from that day forward should always be that YOU LOVE SHOES. You live and breathe shoes. The End!
When in doubt whatch a few episodes of Sex and the City, it will teach you all you need to know about designer shoes and it will help you trick your potential employer into thinking you know anything at all.
5. Sell yourself. Be Honest.
Sell yourself not your body.
Most companies will ask you why you would like to work for their company and while expressing why you would be the perfect candidate for the position is a good idea, It's also nice to add that that's bullshit and you just need a fucking job so you can pay your electricity bill which is now nearing three months behind. This will show your employer that you can be honest and speak up but also that you're in desperate need to keep your electricity running in your shitty leaky loft. Why else would you like to work at all?
There you have it guys! My five tips and tricks to help you improve your chances of nailing your interview. As a bonus, I'd like to share that drinking a glass of fizzy water before bed can help calm your stomach nerves before the interview and by fizzy water I mean a bottle of wine.